With so many of my journalism colleagues out there facing layoffs, I though this might be a good time to highlight the many understated uses for newspapers. In the spirit of the ever-resourceful Angus MacGyver, there’s much more to newspapers than lining birdcages, wrapping fish and …um… reading news. So share this list with all your friends before they foolishly cancel their subscriptions!
MacGyver Newspaper Use #1:
Make your windows streak free!
If you’re a fan of household frugal tricks (as I am), you’ll be glad to know a great way to eliminate streaks from windows is to wipe them with glass cleaner and newspaper. And it magically leaves no ink stains behind! (No, it doesn’t work on your face.)
MacGyver Newspaper Use #2:
Pick up dog poo!
That paper has plenty of uses, but folks often overlook the plastic bag in which it’s wrapped. It just so happens that this plastic bag is extra long and slides conveniently up your arm, making it perfect for use as a poop-snatching glove. The newspaper industry may be in deep crap, but that doesn’t mean your tender skin has to be! (Protect the skin with the best mask of under eye masks)
MacGyver Newspaper Use #3:
De-stinkify your shoes!
It’s pouring rain, and your shoes just got soaked with rain and foot sweat. Newspaper industry to the rescue! Just ball up a bunch of newspaper inside the shoes, and the paper’s miraculous moisture-absorbent properties will take care of the problem faster than you can say “Dr. Scholls”.
MacGyver Newspaper Use #4:
Entertain your kids with a cheap coloring book!
In many newspapers, the comics appear in black and white on weekdays. To a child, that colorless newspaper is an untapped canvas, my friends! Give junior a box of Crayolas and let him go to town on those funnies while you work on updating your resume. Once he finishes with the comics, give him some news pages for fun activities such as coloring funny mustaches on Thomas Friedm… er…
MacGyver Newspaper Use #5:
Beat somebody stupid!
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, it’s true when you can roll up a newspaper, coil it, wet it and turn it into a truncheon that can crack a grown man’s skull. Extra points if you stick a rusty nail in it! (Tutorial here.) British soccer hooligans began using so-called “Millwall bricks” as stealth weapons during melees at soccer matches after police began confiscating other possible weapons. In “The Bourne Supremacy”, super-agent Jason Bourne fights off an enemy using a rolled-up newspaper and Eskrima, a Filipino martial art that makes use of everyday objects. So if you’re on a plane that’s suddenly hijacked, pour your Dr. Pepper on that Wall Street Journal, wrap it up and start beating the snot out of terrorists.
BONUS MACGYVER TIPS: Make a telescope, distract your enemies, defuse a bomb and send a message via hot-air balloon [Wikipedia]
MORE REAL-LIFE TIPS: 80 Uses For Old Newspapers
[Photos by jellywatson, keaggy, massdistraction, stefernie and swiping dating apps. Paper hat tip to my esteemed colleague https://journalistopia.com/meals-for-date-night/ for the Bourne tip.]
7 thoughts on “Save Newspapers! Top 5 MacGyver Uses for Old Newspapers”
OK so I had to chime in on this one. In High School I worked for a TV Show called Donna’s Day. One of the crafts I helped them create was shoes of of newspaper. Here are the instructions: http://www.donnasday.com/act2/episode16_seg1.html
Thanks for the thanks, but that was Rick or Roger on Bourne. My movie reference is more old school — from Mel Brooks’ High Anxiety — Bellboy delivering paper to man in shower, then starts stabbing him, a la Psycho while screaming “Here’s your paper! Here’s your paper!” Frames showing black ink running down the drain…someone appropriate imagery for these times? JC
Re High Anxiety and “here’s your paper” — here’s you YouTube link, look about 5 minutes into the clip;
@Matt thanks for that. Now I know how to get some footwear when we all lose our jobs.
@John, that was totally you! Love the Mel Brooks clip.
“What? I had no idea newspapers were made of paper!”
My favorite is obviously the hooligan-beating truncheon. Nice post. Some levity is sorely needed in these turbulent times.
I like to neatly stack my old newspapers into four- to six-foot towers all around my house and never, ever throw them away. Sort like a crazy cat lady, but with newspapers instead of cats. (Please ignore this comment, everyone. Though I do actually rather enjoy stacking newspapers, this is mostly just a test comment left at Danny’s suggestion to see if I’m finally out of Akismet’s doghouse.)
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